About Philena At Home

Welcome!  I am Philena proud mommy of two, loving wife to an incredible king, and woman fast approaching 40, I mean like a few days from now fast. I am learning who I am at this age and stage in life and deciding what I want to do about it is a journey! 

You have stumbled upon my journal/ my blog Philena At Home. It’s a place where I spend a lot of time talking myself through life and its many mysteries twists and turns. I give my opinion, I vent, I give advice, and I ask for some too.

  

I have been writing here for almost ten years off and on. I started when my daughter was born with the intention of creating a stream of income to ensure I could stay home and raise her and still pay my portion of the bills. I wanted to be home with her but being dependent on a man for all of our daily needs was crazy to me at that time. I went from Miss Independent to Mrs. and  Mommy too quick for my comfort level. Back then I thought this blog making money was vital to our survival. My opinion on that has changed, but we'll talk more about that later.

 

In the beginning I didn’t have a focus or a niche, I just wrote things I saw other mommy bloggers writing. I wasn’t passionate about anything I wrote and it showed. I was inconsistent, my posts were bland and inauthentic. It all felt fake and forced, like I was trying too hard to be someone I wasn’t.

  

After flailing aimlessly for about three years and adding baby number two to my ever-growing list of responsibilities I stopped writing and started merchandising and mystery shopping to make money. I could make my own schedule and still care for my babies at home not glamorous at all but it got us what we needed and made me feel like I could still hold my own should I need to.

After a  few months of steady income in my eyes I was now an expert on the subject. I had found my niche "How to make money without a 9-5." I wanted to get right back to blogging because though I wasn’t making much money or much sense for that matter, writing felt good. 

I took some courses online, joined some business groups on social media and learned ways to monetize my blog. I came back hard! I tried again, and again it flopped. I did everything the “Experts” told me too, and still it flopped. I was getting about ten views per post, and making less than a hundred dollars a month. I was frustrated and sad. 

I don’t like to share this part of my story but if I am going to be as authentic as I want to be (SELF WORK IS A B%$& but we'll talk about that later as well!), I must. I got depressed. I had experienced depression before after a really bad breakup and wanted nothing to do with it! I had to take control of it before it took control of me, and I had to do it the only way I knew how. I cut myself off from any and everything that I thought might cause me to spiral out of control. Unfortunately that included friends family even writing.  

I put my focus on my kids my husband and my mental health.  

I read self-help books, watched Joseph Prince and focused on God’s Grace, I studied Astrology and Numerology developed my own belief system and spiritual practice, all while learning to cook like my Poppy and Granny Eunice, and managing my home and family like a boss! I created a home life I could get lost in and that is exactly what I did!  Months went by, so many months! I lost track of time in my foggy autopilot routine. It felt good at the time but now I see that it was just me in survival mode fighting for my life against depression. I was so determined to not let it win I disappeared within myself.  And then one morning in 2017 I woke up. It felt like I had been asleep for years. The fog was finally gone.

I looked in the mirror and I could see my physical self for the first time in a long time. I was in my body and out of my head. I don't have the linguistic skill to describe what that moment felt like. The only word I can think of that slightly does it justice is lost. I didn't know who I was. I didn't like what I was seeing. I didn't know what to do. 

I had gained twenty pounds and it sat right the bottom of my tummy like a kangaroo pouch. My hair was thin and brittle. My nails were jagged and yellow. My eyebrows were wild. My clothes were old and too small, my breasts had grown and were double bubbling out of my bras. I smelled funny, like fat meat grease from cooking inside and not properly airing out the house. To top it all off I was broke. My husband was holding us down, but I wasn’t contributing to the family finances at all, and my personal just in-case this shit goes south account, that every woman should have no matter what, was empty.

  

That was the start of what I call my great awakening. I went into Capricorn get your shit together girl right damn now mode! 

This story is getting to be much harder to tell and longer than I intended. I want to go deeper and tell you the details of what I did next, and I will eventually because I believe it’s healing and helpful for others who may be having or  have had similar experiences to know that they are not alone, but not now. I will simply say the next two years overflowed with introspection, growth, self-work, exercise, meditation, prayer, break downs, setbacks, and break throughs. And just when I thought it was over and I could get reacquainted with the outside world, my friends, family, and new self, the COVID 19 global pandemic came in and happened. Another two years plus of isolation only this time it was externally forced vs internally. 

Since I’m being completely honest and mask off, pun intended, I can tell you the Covid years were /are /have been peaceful for me, and have lead me to where I'm writing from right now. My head is clear, I look good to me again, I feel good about who I am, what I’m doing and where I’m going, and I am still able to sit in the quiet peaceful space of my home without having to explain where I have been until I was ready! It has been a relief. I have been able to  do the thing I love more than most things, write!  I've been able to tell my stories express my thoughts and feelings from my heart for the first time since I was a kid. I'm not worried about how the experts say I should do it, or how other people are doing it, I'm not worried about how or if it will make money, I'm not even worried about if people will like it or not.  I am simply telling my stories the way I want to tell them, and trusting that they will reach the eyes and ears of everyone who needs them. I am trusting my inner guidance and intuition and when I say it feels good I mean it!  

  

The Philena at Home blog is Me. I have found my voice, and I'm using it!! My hope is that it is the most entertaining thing you read everyday! I pray it brings you joy, teaches you something, and creates beautiful memories.

Look around there is so much to see, and I’m adding posts daily so there's always something new to read. Enjoy and I will see you in my next post!  

Love   

Philena